1. “What caste are you?”
I have chosen to CASTE aside antiquated means of social stratification.
2. “How come your English is so good?”
I’m from the country with the second-largest English-speaking population in the world. You?
3. “So, do you speak Hindu?”
Yup, fluently. And I can say a couple of things in Muslim and Christian too.
4. “Do people in India really sing and dance all the time like in Bollywood movies?”
Totally. Just like people in America constantly get attacked by extraterrestrial forces of evil and then saved by leagues of superheroes.
5. “Will you get to ride an elephant at your wedding?”
Can’t make any promises, but an elephant is pretty likely to be involved, yes.
6. “Cricket is just like…a lame version of baseball…right?”
APOLOGIZE, TAKE IT BACK, AND NOBODY GETS HURT. This is a really wicket thing to say.
7. “Will you pleeeease cook me Indian food?”
Nope, I will be doing absolutely naan of that.
8. “Why would anyone get an arranged marriage?”
Because it’s basically just the original OkCupid. Anything’s easier than dating, amirite?
9. “Do you ever get sick of curry?”
Literally no. Primarily because a couple of other foods are also available to me. I do appreciate your curryosity, though.
10. “Can you teach me yoga?”
I mean…I can try…but you’re probably better off, like…asking someone who knows yoga…
11. “Are you a dot Indian or a feather Indian?”
Depends. Are you a dot ignoramus or a feather ignoramus?
12. “Is Diwali your Christmas?”
13. “And what’s that other holiday where you throw the colors? I love that one.”
HOLI shit, you dumb.
14. “How come India is in Asia but you aren’t Asian?”
Stfu, man. South Asians are Asians too.
16. “I’ve heard it smells awful. Does it smell awful?”
You smell awful. And racist. You smell racist.
17. “Everyone basically does tech support, yeah?”
Yup, 1 billion people, all day every day, answering phone calls from America.
18. “Do you only eat spicy food?”
Ya, all my taste buds were singed off at birth so now I can’t taste food unless it’s doused in hot sauce. So glad someone understands.
19. “Are you ALL vegetarian?”
20. “But you actually do pray to cows, right?”
I’m praying to a cow right now, asking that you leave me alone. Moooove, bitch.
21. “Why do you need sooo many gods?”
They give me the patience and spiritual fortitude to keep from punching ignorant people.
22. “Hey, can you help me with this math?”
I don’t even know enough math to count all the racist assumptions you’ve made today.
23. “Omg I love saris! Can you teach me how to tie a sari?”
Yeeees! After that, let’s paint our nails and give each other bindis and do each other’s hair and stay up all night talking about cultural appropriation!
24. “No offense, but like…what’s the third world like?”
I rode an elephant to school every day and Mowgli was my classmate.
25. “Have you ever ridden on top of a train?”
Only when my elephant was broken and my camel was at the garage.